nothing worth having ever comes easy.

Let's start off with the obvious....

PT.

After I am done with recruit school I don't care if I ever have another pt session.... ever.

Now, exercise is fine, I actually have come to enjoy sweating a little, I LOVE swimming, and I can find myself really enjoying sports.

PT is a different animal. PT is.... hell.

PT when you're a chubby white girl in a room full of buff guys who can do push ups in circles around you.... well, it's less than flattering.

So that's what I've been doing, I've gotten better at running, I can go a mile now without dying, and I'm working on more (I need at least three).

The push ups, pull ups, and sit ups are all giving me a hard time.

I know that if I keep at it and keep going to the hour a day pt and just keep doing it, it will get easier... it will.... be worth it.....

ughhhh

That.... and the house....

Living alone is hard enough. Having a yard and house that needs to be taken care of and kept up is quite another thing. It's a lot of work. Don't know how my dad or Amy manage to keep their lawns so nice.

It's a lot of work.

It's kind of tiring listening to people who talk so differently all day. On the way down here, at a gas station just before the Georgia line I thought that the southern accent was sooooo nice.

Now it's like.... if you listen to it for a long time and it's all you hear, you just get a weird kind of headache that makes you really thirsty.

I caught myself listening to music I don't even light today on my lunch to go get my direct deposite figured out just to hear voices without the southern twang (I know I know, this is harsh of me, and it's fun to listen to, but every once in a while you like to know that there are people out there that talk like you talk).

One of the many points that Justin oh so patiently listened to me bawl about on the phone Friday (until he fell asleep that is).

Not much special has happened... just working and trying to stay up with life down here. Keeping my head above water. Thought Justin would be here sooner than he's going to, hopefully around mid July. I'm soooo done with being here alone.

Hoping if I keep trying everything will work out for the best.

I'm hired to do what I love to do, and how many people get to say that?

I've got my favorite person on earth trying to move his way across the country to live with me, and my diploma is in the mail (hopefully!).

I just keep setting short term goals, make it to the weekend, make it until EMT school starts, make it until Justin gets here, and then everything will work itself out.

so.... that's what I'm up to these days.

oh, and on one of my jogs, I seriously considered going to a southern baptists church just for the experience, to say I did. As I think I'm the only ass in this sea of elephants...... it could also be a very, very bad idea.

But it could be interesting huh?

what brought me here.

so today was nice.... although it's now tomorrow.

but whatever.

There were a bunch of little spiders in the bathtub, took care of those. Not sure how they got in.... but I first thought they were fleas and hurriedly checked JD for any, he came out clean and so I think they were just little spiders, and they didn't jump out of my reach.... so I don't think they were fleas after all.

I have decided that I like it here, it's quiet at night, the neighbors are nice, and there's lots of time for reflection.

And now I get personal, but I'm pretty sure nobody's reading this, and if you are, I'm sure you're close enough to me to have heard this already, or understand it has been going on. And if you're not, maybe you can benefit from it too.

Today, which is now yesterday, which was 6/10/10, marked my fifth month of sobriety.

It means a lot to me, and I'm extremely happy that I've made it this far, and I'm looking forward to making it longer.

There have been so many nights where I thought it was a lost cause and I wouldn't make it to morning without a drink in hand, but the sun still came out despite my dry life style.

Although I really miss my friends in the Akron AA rooms, I know that I still must continue my program down here. It's hard not knowing anyone here, and AA is a place where you kind of open your shell and let your guts out so to speak, so around people you don't know very well it can be kind of hard to talk about the subjects at hand, but I'm trying.

I haven't really talked with a lot of people in depth about my sobriety, and a lot of people act as if it's something they have to tip toe around or caution me about, giving me warnings not to drink as though I was two seconds away from grabbing a bottle and ruining it all. Others have asked me if it was permanent, and a couple even requested that I resign myself from it. Those that didn't understand I believe had the definition of a heavy drinker and that of an alcoholic intermingled, and they are not synonymous.

As an alcoholic I messed up a lot, I drank myself into situations and just worsened the ones I had created by numbing myself and being in a selfish stupor, and from my sobriety I have gained a whole lot of gratitude for the things I took for granted, and the ones I lost, and the ones I'm trying to gain back, if not so desperately damaged by my sense of pride (but with the lack of dignity if that makes any sense).

I'm currently on my eighth step, making a list of all the people I have harmed and becoming willing to make amends with them. This is probably the hardest one for me, making my searching and fearless inventory of myself and admitting it to another person wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Partially because I knew all the shitty things I had ever done, and making the inventory wasn't surprising so much as time consuming, and partially because the person I shared with didn't know me too well, but had admitted to me to doing almost nearly every bad thing that I had done, so I didn't feel so bad about it all. It was I guess, a little weird to see them all in one place, because part of what I did in my dark time was spread the shitty things I did out through several different aspects of my life, so no one group saw all the crappy things I did, the hurtful person I was. It wasn't that I was purposefully hurtful, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I was just so selfish I wasn't willing to put anyone else's feelings or well being before my own.

The making a list of the people I have wronged is harder.... partially because some of the people I just don't care for, and being willing to make amends with them seems kind of like I shouldn't have to, which I know is my pride talking, and I know this part of my emotional ... how do I say.... my feelings of entitlement? need to take a back seat.

The other part is that, the people I hurt I love so much, that I really don't want to admit to myself that I hurt them, or that I didn't treat them with so much respect as they deserved. Even if they weren't hurt by what I did, I certainly didn't show them the love that I feel for them, and I took away years from the relationships I could have had with my loved ones. It cost me friendships and close family members. People I truly cared for but was too wrapped up in my selfishness and my disease. I wasted so much time proving them right, anyone who ever tapped me on the shoulder and said they suspected I might have a problem, I was out to prove them wrong by showing them just how much I could drink like a normal person. Boy, did that have adverse effects.

I know that the ninth step is coming, and that I owe a lot of apologies, and I don't know if I can offer much explanation, but I hope that knowing I am remorseful for my actions helps heal what I've done a little bit at least.

I guess what I'm trying so say, is that I'm so grateful I'm here. I know that those who have this disease (alcoholism, the disease that tells you that you don't have a disease) if continued on the path of drinking end up in the asylum, jail, or dead. For those of you that know me, I think you know why that speaks to me. I am so grateful that I escaped the near misses I had, that I didn't get any DUI's or kill anyone, including myself. I'm so glad that I have gotten to this point in my life where if everything is taken from me I will count myself luckier than I was when I had everything but didn't have my mind, but now even if everything were to be taken from me, I will always have my sobriety. I can think of it long term at the moment, but in ten minutes I might be at the "I just have to not drink today" stage again, as that happens to everyone every so often throughout their program.

I'm so happy that the people I've lost I'm starting to get back, the relationships I've hindered I'm trying to renew, and I really hope that everything works out.

I'm so glad that my family never gave up on me, and although some's advice and warnings were less subtle than I would have preferred, I'm glad I eventually took notice. There are a lot of people who lose their families and loved ones to this, and I'm really glad I didn't lose that. I've been told so many times, "you're lucky you came into these rooms before you got older and had anything to lose" such as kids of my own, a house, people who aren't obligated to love you unconditionally.

Heaven knows I messed things up with Justin so badly when I was drinking, so often, that there was no question why we had a rocky bit. When you hurt someone for so long, and paint them to be the bad guy to your family and friends, it's hard on them, and when you never give them a break and never self evaluate, it's hard on them to stay with their persecutor.

I'm so glad that I can still come back to my family, and even though I put my family through a load of shit, both directly related to my drinking and indirectly (just from the selfishness I was spouting during my dark times), they were all there to see me off when I left Ohio. My brother in law even got me a cake and my sister Amy, the one who I think I exuded the most selfishness with, got me a card for my graduation and a gift I didn't nearly deserve. And all my sisters came to my graduation, and Amy even brought Rory (which I know I was bored at that ceremony, I can't imagine how boring it was for him!) and said she was proud of me. I don't know if I can describe the guilt you feel when you know you've really fucked up with someone and they say they're proud of you.

I love my family so much, and I'm so glad that I have the opportunity to love them like a normal person now. My sobriety gave that to me.

I don't know how much longer I could have drank without killing someone in a car or ruining my life with a DUI (firefighters are NOT supposed to get DUI's).

Any time I think that I want to drink again I remind myself that I'm just a drink away from a drunk, and going down that road will lead to me losing all the people I hold dearest, if not from their turning away from me surely to self preserve (the smart choice by all means), by my drinking away my years with them and neither of us having any memories of me coherently enjoying our time together before someone passes.

So as hard as my ninth step is going to be, I know that the rewards will be having the opportunity to have my loved ones for the rest of my life, and remember my time with them.

So I don't think anyone read that, but I feel better for having written it out. Ignore the run on sentences, it's been a habit since the third grade, I still don't know when to shut up. :)

I'm going to go to bed now.....

I hope if anyone reads this, you have a wonderful day.

Scorpions, GTFO

After a WONDERFUL visit to see my WONDERFUL almost former sailor in San Diego, I came home to the NOT so wonderful situation of bugs in my house. Mostly all dead minus a few arachnids (couldn't you have just said spiders? No, I'm grouping in scorpions in as well). It was disgusting. If anyone knows of a blackmarket need for dried scorpions, I have the supply.

Not much else to report, still bored as hell here.

Got a town newsletter for Auburn and there are a couple of happenings at the library I might take part in, to get to know people around here.

San Diego was beautiful, and I have pictures up on facebook, but this of course, is not about San Diego, because that of course, is not the land down under.

Justin was amazing, but hey, he always is. No news there.